Disclosure
by SweetAsh
Summary: James had saved him so many times… Now he was returning the favor.
1. Arguement

She looked out her window, staring at the full moon. He was out there some where, that much she knew. But she didn't know what he was doing. And it drove her crazy. She did this every time he was out in the night, worrying about him. He was spontaneous, and when he was with his friends he tended to do dangerous things.

She hated worrying about him.

He knew it was coming, he could sense it.

Damn, he was hoping she wouldn't ask. But she did. And when he couldn't tell her, she would not be happy. Damn. She would know if he lied, she always did.

"Where did you go last night?" she asked, looking him in the eye.

"Out with the boys…" That wasn't a lie, he had, in fact been out with the boys.

"I can't do it anymore."

He decided to play dumb. He knew what she couldn't do. She couldn't be with him. "Do what?"

"Worry about you. Every time you go out and don't tell me where or why…I don't sleep. I just keep imagining what dangerous things you're probably doing…and I think what if he gets himself killed? And I think what if I don't see him again. What if the last thing I ever say to him is 'You're an idiot'." She said, her eyes never leaving his.

"I promise that I won't get killed. But I can't tell you. Even if I could, you would probably worry more."

"That's a contradiction…why would I worry more if you weren't doing anything to get yourself killed?"

"Because to someone who doesn't get it, it might sound slightly really dangerous…"

"I'm tired." She did look tired, he realized. She would be better off without him to worry about.

"I know."

"I don't know if I can be with you, if you can't tell me. At least then I would know what to worry about. There is nothing that could be worse then the things I imagine."

"That's what you think. I wish I could tell you, I really do."

"So this is one of those secrets that is only between the four of you?"

"Yes." A simple one word response. That was all he could mange at the moment. He felt like breaking down.

"Ok, then I'm going upstairs. Bye…" She left, just like that. How could she just walk away? Maybe she didn't feel it like he did. He let her go. What else could he do?

A quiet young man had watched them, their whole interaction. It was his fault, and he wanted them to be ok, to be together. If his friend wouldn't tell her, then he sure as hell would. Tomorrow she would know everything…


	2. Confession

"I need to talk to you…"

"If this is about him and me, don't bother, please…I'm trying to forget him. And that doesn't work if you keep bring him up." She continued walking. She had known this would happen. That his friends would try to convince her to change her mind. Sometimes she wondered what it was about him the commanded such loyalty.

"It's not about him. It's about me, and I want you to know. I trust you, and he trusts you. And the rest of them trust him, so I think you should know;" he said, not backing down. He was determined to tell her. And he was terrified. But this wasn't really about him. This was about his best mate. And he deserved to be happy. And she made him happy.

"Obviously, he doesn't trust me. Or he would be here, he would be telling me."

"He believes that since it's my secret, I should be the only one to revel it. To anyone. So I'm telling you."

"What are you telling me?" She could tell that this was big.

"Last night was the full moon." What was he going on about? She knew it was the full moon.

"Yeah, I noticed."

"Every night we disappear it's the full moon."

She had never put it together, but as she thought about it, she realized he was right. But that didn't solve anything. "So?"

He was trying to get her to realize the truth without having to actually say the words. She was usually so bright, but she was being quite daft right now.

"I'm kind of sick."

"Maybe you should go to the hospital wing."

"Not like that…I have a kind of…disease, if you will."

"What? Is that why you always look so pale and ragged? I had no idea, oh…I'm sorry. But what does this have to do with the full moon?" She was confused.

He was going to have to spell it out for her. "I'm a werewolf. He was with me. But not as himself."

Her eyes widened.

"You're a – huh?"

"A werewolf."

"No, I mean…I would have known. You're…" she couldn't believe what he had just said. She refused to believe it. He was one of her favorite people, she spent time with him. She had known her for six and a half years. How do you have classes with someone every day since you were eleven and not know something like this. Besides, werewolves were vicious and mean, not like the shy, quiet, mild mannered boy in front of her. That is just not fair. That is just not how things should work.

"Please don't make me say it again."

"Werewolf ?" she breathed, still not grasping it. Then she realized the rest of his previous statement. "He goes with you? That's crazy…he swore that he couldn't get killed. That most definitely could lead to his death."

"He's not really himself when they come along."

"Huh?"

"Well, and this is the part that no one, no one, knows, they're animals when they come."

"Animals…how could they…oh…" It hit her. She understood. Kind of. "But how could they have managed that, it's so advanced?"

"It took them four years, but they did it. They really are brilliant."

"And it's so illegal!"

"That is not the point. The point I he did this for me, and I'm doing this for him. So go find him, make up, and never, never, tell anyone. Right?"

"I'll talk to him."

"Good."

"And I won't tell anyone…I swear."


	3. Forgiveness

She hadn't found him. She had been searching all day, but he just didn't want to be found. But he couldn't elude her now. It was late, and considering he hadn't slept the night before, she knew where he was. In the boys dormitories. He probably was asleep by now.

She quietly climbed the stairs. She knew which bed was his; this was not her first time up here. For a moment she just looked at him, unmoving and serene. Seeing him like this, it was almost hard to picture him as the rambunctious teenaged boy he was when he was awake.

She lied down next to him, placing her head on his chest and listened. She heard his heart. His arm slid around her waist, and it startled her. She hadn't meant to wake him.

"So, what's this mean, Red?" he asked, sleep evident in his voice. Only he called her that. If anyone else dared she would harm them greatly. Usually she hated any nickname. But he could get away with it.

"Means that I can sleep if I know you're here."

She slipped out in the early morning, not wanting not wake him. She slept well, the first time since she started dating him. She had decided he was right. Now that she knew, she was going to worry more. But she was going to worry whether they were together or not. And she would rather worry about her boyfriend than her ex boyfriend.

But, (why was there always a but? She wondered), she could not date someone she didn't know, and at the moment, as much as she felt for him, she felt she did not know him. If she couldn't notice something this big, then how could she expect herself to notice smaller things about him. Just how many more secrets did he have?  
She walked out of the tower, going down for breakfast, when she felt someone grab her arm. She knew who it was, only he could have followed her without being detected.

"You weren't there when I woke up."

"I was hungry and thought you could use the sleep." She didn't look him in the eyes.

"I don't think so, Red. You were escaping."

"I can't escape you."

"We should talk. There's a lot we should talk about. And you don't want to. That's what you were trying to escape."

He had her there. Other boyfriends would have let her gotten away with it. But he called her on her shit. She wasn't sure if that bothered her or if it was what she loved about him. He pushed her. He made her better. And all this time she thought it was the other way around.

"We do need to talk. About your friend. And his…condition." She still couldn't call him a werewolf. Not out loud.

"We need to talk about us first."

Us. That was the word he used. They had only begun to endure each others company four months ago. And now they were an us.

"What about you and me?" She separated them, not saying us. Using one word to discuss both of them was a step she was not ready for. She already was in to deep with him. Worrying about him. Sleeping with him. She was not ready for us.

"You tell me."

And it all came out. She didn't even try to stop. "How can there be an us? When I don't know you at all. I don't know your friends, who I thought were my friends, I don't know the first thing about you. Is that the biggest secret you have? I thought after six years I had discovered everything necessary to really know who you are…but I was so wrong. I was beyond wrong. I hadn't even scratched the surface. Who the hell are you?"

"I'm not that complicated."

"No, you are."

"I couldn't even dream of knowing all of you yet. I don't know everything that makes you tick, Red. But I'm working on it. And eventually I hope to know almost everything."

"You've known me for six years."

I've known you for three months, tops. We went to school together, we yelled at each other, for six years. I know everything that makes you angry…"

"It moved to fast. I guess I thought I should know something like this. It feels like we've been like this longer."

"Yeah."

"You and I moved really fast. I'm tired."

"So you keep saying."

"So I think I need to slow down."

This worried him. "Slow down? Like maybe we should see other people? Isn't that all code for 'I want to break up'?"

"No!" She most certainly did not want him to see any other girls.

"So explain it to me."

"I just want to get to know you. Like your friends know you. But not platonically. I still want to be with you. Just slower."

"Ok." He was confused. But she smiled and kissed him lightly, so he knew it would be ok.


	4. Adoration

Slow, she had said.

Things didn't really slow down. If anything they had begun to move even faster then before. But it was different now. He was much more open with her. Revealed more secrets. She had grown closer to all of them, now that they knew she could be trusted. Because she hadn't told.

It was almost like she was number five.

But not quite. She understood. There were things he could only talk to the boys about.

Since that night…the night she had actually slept, for the first time…she could only sleep if he was there. So she had grown accustom to sneaking into his bed while he slept.

That's where she was going now, carefully walking up the stairs, not wanting to trip in the dark.

"I could get use to this," he whispered when he felt her body next to his. Actually he was already us to it. He couldn't sleep without her now.

"Get use to what?" she asked playfully, snuggling her head in his chest.

"Sleeping with somebody next to me."

"Somebody?" she asked, searching for truth.

"Just you. No one else will do. You know that." He knew what she was doing. And he knew what she wanted him to say.

"Just me…"

"Only you. Your head fits so good on my shoulder."

"Yeah, it does…"

"Besides," he yawned, "I only want the one I love next to me."

Her eyes opened. She must have heard wrong…he didn't just say…he couldn't have said…

Love.

She must have heard him wrong. She was tired; she had to have heard him wrong.

Part of her, the part not completely terrified by that word, wanted desperately for him to love her.

If she was going to love any boy, she knew it would be him…but five months was not enough to love.

Then a thought struck her. A random, crushing, petrifying concept. She could break his heart. All this time she thought it was the other way. She never realized that she could hurt him. But she could. More than he could hurt her now.

Everything had just sped up.

Hadn't she asked for slow?


	5. Rejection

He knew what he had said. He was perfectly aware of the words that left his mouth. And he meant it. Of course he meant it. He just hadn't meant to say it then. Or out loud. Not yet, at least.

He wasn't sure if she had heard it…she might have been asleep already.

He had wanted it to be prefect when he said it. Under the stars…under their tree. Anywhere besides his bed when they were half asleep. It was too random, they were too vunrable then. He knew her too well…if she had caught what he said, she would not be dealing with it well.

But it slipped out.

He was going to say it again. He had too. If she had heard him the first time, he wanted her to know that he really…really meant it. And if she hadn't…well then, he wanted her to know. But this time it would be perfect.

Wordlessly he took her hand and led her from the common room. They were going outside…she knew this place he was taking her…to the tree near the lake…their tree. Their first kiss…it happened right there. Under this tree. He had carved their names in it. She loved this tree.

And she knew what was coming.

And she was scared.

"Hey Red," he whispered gently, leaning in to kiss her softly.

It melted her.

"Hey you." She couldn't look at him.

"I'm lucky to have you…I know that. I probably haven't done anything in my life to deserve you. But I'm not going to let go…ever. I know what it's like to live without you…I did it my entire life. But I prefer this. Waking up next to you every day…that's something I never want to give up."

"I …"  
"Wait…let me just say this. I love you."

And he said it. Why did he have to say it?

"I…" What could she say. She could say it back…but then they wouldn't be able to stop. There would be no slowing down if she said…if she said what she so desperately wanted to feel. She wanted to love him…but she wasn't there. Not yet.

"It's ok. You don't have to say it." He was there…and she was hurting him. She was doing to him what she had feared he would do to her.

She was killing him.

"James..."

"It's all right, Red."

"It's just…"

"Stop…I've got to go, the guys and I have something to take care of," he kissed her deeply, but she knew it felt hollow. She had really hurt him.


	6. Development

Ok, that hurt.

He could admit it.

It really, really hurt.

But he understood. Really, he understood. But that did not make it hurt less. But now was not the time to focus on that. They had some fun to have, and that required his full attention. Some pranks could be dangerous if you don't focus.

"Took you long enough," the cranky werewolf said when he walked into the room.

"Leave him alone…he was busy with his _girlfriend_." His best friend whispered the word, like it was a curse word and he was in the presence of adults. To Sirius it was a bad word. One that he had thought would never be used. They were all supposed to grow old together, confirmed bachelors. That was the deal.

The way things were going it seemed James wasn't following through with that plan.

"Jealous?"

"Of course." He joked. At least it sounded like a joke. Maybe he was jealous. It wasn't as if he didn't like her. If anyone had to take his best friend away, he would want it to be her. She was pretty, funny (though usually unintentionally), and very amicable. But he saw changes in his friend. Little ones that most wouldn't notice. He was sure Remus saw them too.

Ok…now what is so important that you had to drag me away from my girlfriend?"

"A prank, of course."

"Of course" This was a squeak. From Peter.

"Prank on Slytherin?"

"Of course."

"Sirius, if you say of course one more time…"

"Don't listen to him, the full moon's coming, he's cranky."

"So what were you three thinking?"

"Singing."

"Singing?" This had to have been Sirius's idea. He was always trying to make people sing randomly.

"Yes, singing. Not just singing anything either. Singing whatever they're thinking."

"I like it."

"Good. So when should we execute it?"

"Before the moon. On Friday?"

"Yeah, what a way to end the week."

"Ok, changing the subject now…what's going on with you and her?"

"What do you mean?" He knew what Sirius meant. All of the boys were wondering what was going on. They had noticed her in his bed every morning.

"You know what he means." Even Remus was curious…usually he let the private lives of his friends stay private.

"Nothing."

"Right. If you're shagging her, you can tell us. And do when we're not all trying to sleep."

"We haven't yet."

"Tell me you're joking. Please? Five months and you done nothing." Sirius sounded appalled.

"Not nothing…just not that. She hasn't ever done that. I'm not going to pressure her."

"Awww…he's turned into a romantic. Look what she doing to him, Moony. Corrupting him."

"No, I think you've corrupted him, she just trying to undo the six years of damage."

"Ok, now I am changing the subject. I do not want to discuss my sex life."

"Or lack of." Sirius received a pillow in the face for that comment.

This, of course, led to an hour long pillow fight.


	7. Dishonesty

She hated the way his eyes were now. He didn't look at her the same, with that sparkle.

She had to do something. Just not that. She couldn't say it.

So what could she do?

"Are you ok, Red?" Of course not. He was hurting, even if he wasn't showing it, and it was her fault. She had thought for sure they were over. But he seemed determined to love her even if she couldn't reciprocate. So there they were, Hogsmeade. On a date.

It was a cool April night, and she was not dressed appropriately.

He saw her shiver.

He placed his jacket around her shoulders. How could she not love him? She wanted him to be happy, she wanted him to be with her…only her. She wanted to be with him.

So why didn't she love him?

His arm was slung over her shoulders, pulling her closer to him. She loved being close to him. She breathed and all she could smell was him. He smelled so good.

Why couldn't she say it?

She didn't answer him, just moved closer.

He was everything any girl could ask for. And she did not want to go back to her life without him. Maybe it was love. Maybe that's what it was. She had never been in love…and she had never felt like this.

"Red?"

"Yeah?"

"Are we ok?"

That caught her off guard. Were they ok? Shouldn't she be asking him that? He was the one who was out there…the one who was rejected. Not really rejected…she still wanted to be with him. She was very confused.

"Are we?" She knew it bothered him when she answered like that, by asking him that same question. She did it all the time. But he loved her in spite of it. Even with all of her flaws…he still loved her. And here he was perfect…and she couldn't say it.

"I'd like to think we are." So he was ok. Hurt, but ok.

"Me too."

"So we're ok, then."

"Yes, we're ok."

"Let's get back to the castle. You're freezing." His arm loosened around her, and when they reached the common room, he didn't kiss her before he went upstairs.

She knew everything was not ok.

Definitely not ok.

The complete opposite of ok.

What was she going to do?


	8. Compromise

There was only one thing she could do. She knew that now.

She wanted to do this. With him.

If she was going to do this with any one, she wanted it to be him.

So she was going to do it.

With him.

She walked up the stairs in the dark. When she reached his bed, she could see he was already sleeping. He was beautiful. Not handsome in the conventional way, yet he was desirable to most of the schools female population. No, not handsome, beautiful.

And a good person.

What more could she want?

What was she waiting for?

Why couldn't she say it to him?

Like every night of the past month, she slipped into his bed. But this was not going to be the usual sleep over.

She rolled over and kissed him fiercely.

What a pleasant way to wake up. He kissed her back with just as much passion. He did not know what was going on, but he definetly was going to stop her. Slow she began to unbutton his shirt…

He had practice early tomorrow morning, but he could manage with only a few hours sleep. This was much more interesting.

He woke up, surprised to see her still there. He half expected her to bolt after last night. But there she was sleeping gently next to him, wearing one of his school shirts.

She was beautiful.

He quickly got into his gear and kissed her forehead softly before leaving.

As soon as she was sure he was gone, she opened her eyes.

She was more confused than ever.


	9. Terminate

She couldn't go on like this.

She was going crazy.

The rain was pouring down, but she knew that wasn't enough to keep him from playing Quidditch.

School was ending in a few weeks. They wouldn't see each other for three months. Now was the best time to do this. If she waited any longer she might lose her nerve. She might melt for him again. She had to end it. It was the only way to stop the confusion.

She walked to the pitch in the pouring rain, not caring if she was soaked. She saw him flying, the others had left a half hour ago.

"Hey you." He smiled as he landed. Smiled at her. Thinking they were ok.

"Hey." Her voice could barely be heard over the pounding of the rain.

"What." Not a question. He always knew when she wasn't saying everything. She wondered if she would ever have that with anyone else.

"We're not ok."

"I thought we were."

"Not anymore." He looked at her, right in her eyes. She wished he would look away.

"Why?"

"Being with me hurts you. And it hurts me to hurt you."

"So you think being apart would hurt me less?"

"Yes."

"We're breaking up." He looked so sad.

"I'm sorry."

"So am I."

"James…it's just not working. Not right now anyway. We need to be apart. To be ourselves again."

"I am myself. With you I am myself."

"No you're not. You haven't had detention in months."

"You feel like I've made you lose yourself?"

"I'm not sure what I feel. That's why we need to be over for now." Why did this hurt so much? This was supposed to make everything better.

"Ok."

"Maybe we could talk about it again next year."

"Yeah." He was using one word responses. That was never a good thing. It meant he was trying to hide something. Probably pain.

"Well, I'll let you get back to practice." She was drenched and cold.

"Take my cloak. It's on the bleachers. And it's charmed to repel water. I don't want you to get sick." She had just ripped out his heart…and he was still worried about her health. Damn him. Why couldn't he be angry with her?

She nodded. "Bye."

"Goodbye Red."

And she walked away from the boy she had almost loved.


	10. Correspondence

Summer was nearly over. And the only thing she was sure of was that she missed him.

Absence, In fact, does make the heart grow fonder.

For her anyway.

She hadn't slept well all summer.

Maybe she did love him. Maybe this was love.

It wasn't like the fairy tales.

She knew that being without him was hell.

An owl flew into the room, carrying a large, manila colored envelope.

This would be her last Hogwarts letter.

She opened it carefully…it was heavy. Something shiny fell to the ground. She was Head Girl. She wondered who Head Boy could be. Probably Remus…

Another owl, one she recognized dropped a letter next to her.

This was his owl. She dropped her Hogwarts letter. Tenderly, not wanting to tear it, she opened it.

Hello love,

Congratulations on Head Girl. I'm so proud of you. I knew you could do it. This might make you see it as less then an honor though. I'm Head Boy. What is Dumbledore on? That is what you're thinking don't deny it.

Sirius said the same thing. I think he's mad at me. Seems to think that this has ruined our last year…he's crying over the loss of the Marauders right now. I hope you don't mind…but I am not ready to bury the Marauders yet.

But I promise to take my duties seriously.

And I was hoping we could talk once school starts.

I miss you, Red.

Yours,

James

He missed her, too. She wanted to write everything she had discovered over the summer, but decided that it would be better to wait. To say it all in person.

She grabbed a pen and wrote a short response.

Hello,

Thank you. I'll admit I was slightly surprised to see you as Head Boy. Ok, I was floored. What is Dumbledore on did pass through my head. I'm glad it's you. And it doesn't diminish the honor at all. Despite you tendency to cause trouble, you are a great leader. And a good friend.

Plus you're smart. Most of you're pranks used advance spells.

I want to talk to.

So…Congratulations.

Sincerely,

Red

She sent it with his owl. Maybe she hadn't ruined everything.

Correspondence


	11. Uncomfortable

She passed through the barrier…for her last trip on the Hogwarts express.

It was almost over…the beginning of the end.

She boarded the train, anxious to dump her baggage and find him.

She struggled with her trunk, trying to put in the compartment.

"Let me help you." She turned to find Sirius there. He was the one person she didn't want to talk to.

"Ummm…sure."

"I heard you're Head Girl. That's impressive." It was cold, yet polite. That was how he was playing it. She could deal with that.

"I heard that you're upset about James's badge."

"Not anymore. Remus put it in perspective for me. With him has Head Boy I can get away with more."

"See, there is an upside." There was a silence…a very uncomfortable silence.

"Well, I gotta get back to my boys…they fall apart when I'm not there."

"Right…and I've got a Prefect meeting to run. If you see him could you remind him that it's in the front compartment?"

"Sure." And he left. She hated that. They had been so close when she was with James. Now it was awkward.

She made her way to the prefect compartment. Remus was the only one there.

"You're really early."

"I came straight here. The guys always give me a hard time about being Prefect."

"Oh. I ran into Sirius. He helped me with my trunk."

"That had to have been…"

"Awkward? Definitely. So he hates me now?"

"No. He is protective of James. And he was hurt."

"By me."

"Yeah…well."

Other Prefects started to filter into the compartment, so the conversation ended there. She was relieved. So things were strange with Remus too.

She really wanted this train ride to end.


	12. Reunion

Even though she had waited all summer…she wished this wasn't happening.

She wanted to talk to him.

But this was hard.

Thank God he started.

"I missed you Red. A lot."

"Me too."

"You missed you?" So he was going to be a smart ass. She smiled.

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah. But I don't know what it means when you say you missed me."

"Means I didn't sleep well."

"Me neither. You spoiled me."

"Your friends are mad at me." She knew they weren't mad. They were upset.

"They just don't understand."

"Understand what?"

"You. That you needed a break. I understand."

"Do you?"

"Yeah…so we've had a three month break. Did you work out your issues?"

"Kind of." There was a pause, so she continued. "I know that I don't like being without you."

"That's a start."

"So maybe we could start over. Be friends first…then if that leads us back…"

"Friends? Do they kiss?"

"Do you kiss Sirius?"

"No. But he has on occasion kissed me."

"That was something I could have gone my whole life without ever knowing."

He laughed. She loved his laugh.

"So that's a no?"  
"I think we could be the kind of friends who kiss…but no snogging."

"All right Red. Have it your way."

"I always do."

"I'll always let you."

"Why do you think I'm your friend?"

"Funny. When did you develop a sense of humor?"

"While I was away from you. You hindered my development."

She had been worried that talking with him would be like talking to his friends on the train. Thankfully it wasn't. They were so good together. Even as friends.

"Sirius thinks you corrupt me."

"I corrupt you? I think it's the other way around."

"You still have a spotless record, my dear. Never have you served detention."

"That's just because you're so good at not getting me caught."

"You're lucky I even understood that."

"Goodnight."

"Going to bed?"

"Yes."

"How about a goodnight kiss?"

"I guess that would be appropriate."

He moved closer, and she breathed him in. He was intoxicating. Like a drug. And she was a junkie…begging for more. Just one more fix…

His lips touched hers, gently and all too briefly.

She looked at him expectantly.

"You said no snogging…" And he went to bed.

I want to thank everyone for reviewing my story…it makes me want to update as soon as possible. I know this is mostly dialogue, but I feel it's necessary. There are things, like the chapter Compromise I do to show the characters and how they deal with certain things. Thanks again…and if there are any questions I would love to answer them if I can. Next chapter coming soon…

Ash.


	13. Insane

Being friends with him was easier said then done. Much easier. He was driving her crazy…he had to know. Of course he does…the way he teases her…the brief, soft kisses before bed…he had to know.

She had said she only wanted to be friends…so it was possible he didn't know.

But he had to know.

She needed some insight. To talk to him without really talking to him.

And there it was…her insight sitting on the couch in front of the fire in the common room.

Sirius Black.

She sat softly next to him. He looked over at her.

"Can I help you, Tiger?" She smiled at this old nickname. She used to hate it…he had been calling her that since she had punched him when they were twelve. He really had deserved it.

"Hi." She spoke quietly…shy. She didn't know where she stood with him anymore.

"Why are you acting all shy?"

"Because of James."

"I'm not James."

"I know that. But…"

"He loves you."

"Yeah."

"So I love you."

"Simple as that?"

"Yup…I don't hold grudges against anyone I'm not related to." She knew about his family situation. His horrible home. She was glad he had James to be his brother.

"I hurt him." Not a question…a statement. She knew she had hurt him…she had seen it in his eyes that day in the rain on the pitch.

"Just don't do it again."

"I won't."

"Then we're absolutely fine. Now what did you want?"

What did she want?

"So he really loves me?"

"More then you know."

"Why?"

"I don't know. You should ask him."

"He shouldn't love me. I have been horrible to him for years."

"It was good for him. Besides your different now. He's different. We all are."

"Yeah, I guess we are. I hadn't noticed before."

"Anyway…now that were square…I've gotta go and see a man about book about spider monkeys." He smiled and kissed her forehead. "I'm glad were ok. I like you. I could see you as my sister in law." She smiled at him…slightly confused. Did he say spider monkey?

Maybe they were all a little crazy.

Or maybe they were rubbing off on her…because when she thought about it…it didn't seem crazy at all.


	14. Consequence

"You bastard." No emotion. Not even a raised voice. Just a statement. A fact. And that's what hurt the most.

He had a lot of blood on his white t shirt, which worried Sirius. He really hadn't meant it to go this far.

"Are you alright?" Of course he wasn't alright. He didn't look alright. He looked pale.

"I've been better."

"I'm sorry."

"This is going to kill him. You're going to kill him." James looked him in the eye. And he couldn't look away.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." He really hadn't.

"You never do. But you did. You did this."

"I know. I'm so sorry."

"Do you? Snape almost died. I almost died. I was this close to being ripped apart. How could you…you, of all people, know what he's like now. Remus would have had to live with this his whole life. It would have killed him."

It hit him then. James had almost died. Because of him. He couldn't live without James. James was his soul mate. His kindred.

"I'm sorry."

"Save it for Remus. You'll need it when you tell him why."

"Tell him?"

"Why Snape knows. He knows…Why I'm bleeding. See if he forgives you."

"But you forgive." Another statement. But Sirius didn't really know if it was true. But it had to be. This is what he did. He screwed up and James fixed it and he and Remus forgave Sirius. That was their system. Their cycle. "Right, James?" He pleaded when there was no response. "You forgive me."

"There is nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you." That's what he said. But he hadn't said he forgave. He hadn't said that word.

"That's a lot of blood."

"I've been worse."

"Never because of me."

James let that hang. "It'll heal. Remus won't."

"I know. I'm just so sorry."

"Go to bed. Tomorrow 's going to be hell."

"Yeah." It would be. He head up the stairs, but turned and looked James in the eyes. "I really fucked up."

James nodded. "You ruined everything."

Sirius went up stairs and James cried.

He really had fucked everything up.


	15. Altered

She had heard. How could she not. She hadn't slept properly since that last night she spent with him.

She made her way to the common room, unsure of what to do. She had never seen any of them fight.

He was crying. He had never cried before…not in front of her anyway.

Silently she sat close to him, embracing him. Trying to make his pain hers.

It didn't work.

He looked at her with his wet eyes…his face was smeared with blood.

"Hi Red."

"Hey."

She kissed him gently…he deepened it. He broke away quickly.

"That was a snog." He apologized.

"It's ok."

"Nothing is ok."

"It'll seem better in the morning. Everything always does."

"I'm afraid that it will be so much worse."

"Everything will work out."

"I don't think so. Not this time."

His words shocked her. He was always so sure. Yet now his eyes were full. Full of pain and tears. Full of doubt.

"No." That was all she could say. A small protest to his words.

"This time it's beyond fixing. I can't clean it up. Everything's changed. In one moment…it's all different."

"I'm sorry."

"You know…those words…they are meaningless to me now."

She took his hand and led him to the boys' dormitories. Tonight they both needed sleep.


	16. Quiet

The whole school was talking about it. In hushed voices full of shock and curiosity.

For years the Marauders had been an unattainable fraternity, and suddenly the bonds of brotherhood had been broken.

Rumors, of course, flew. None of them came close to the outrageous truth. But she knew. The only one in the entire school.

He sat next to her always now. There was no place else for him to be.

"So Sirius told him?" she asked gently as he took his place next to her.

"Yeah."

Silence. He had never been silent in his life, yet now he seemed to be at a loss for words.

That's how Hogwarts was now. Absolutely silent. She had never realized how much life and noise those boys put into the castle. If they were still talking they would have never allowed it to be this quiet.

She kissed him softly, and looked at him. She had never seen him look this defeated, even after the time he lost a Quidditch match. So sad and alone. She played with his hair and he closed his eyes.

"It'll get better. It has to." She tried reassuring him.

"What if it doesn't?"

"It has to. Nothing could be this bad. There is no where but up."

"He'll never fully forgive him."

"Maybe he will."

"No, this was his greatest fear realized. One of us turned on him."

"It wasn't that sinister. Remus doesn't feel that way, Sirius made a mistake. A huge, monstrous mistake, but his heart…it was in the right place. He just needs to think before he does these incredibly stupid things."

She watched as he looked at his best friends. They were sitting as far away from each other as they could, and though Sirius was trying to get Remus's attention, he was ignoring Sirius.

"Is he mad at you?"

"He's upset that I won't take his side. Sirius was an idiot, but he's Sirius. I love him. And I love Remus. But I can't turn my back on Sirius for him. So neither of them are talking to me. There are not talking to each other. And Peter is trying desperately not to get caught in the middle. But it is impossible to be neutral."

She had no response to that. It was true. How could you choose between your brothers?

He got up, "I've got to get out of here. The hostility is suffocating."

"I'll come too." She helped him up, he was still badly sore from the night before.

They left, and Remus and Sirius watched.

They stole a glance at each other and their eyes locked.

Remus looked away first.


	17. Intruder

Slowly, it seemed to be getting better. Remus could see what the rift was doing to him, so he decided to tolerate Sirius's existence. But the distance and lack of trust between them remain. It just wasn't visible to anyone on the outside.

So there they were…the four of them in all their glory.

Planning the annual birthday prank. Peter was finally seventeen, even though his birthday was only a few weeks after Remus's. This was tradition. After all of their birthdays had passed, they pulled the biggest prank of the year. And this was their final year. So it had to be huge. They were in their element. It was rather convenient that this coincided with Halloween.

"No, that won't work. It's gotta be bigger." Sirius always wanted to go big.

"He's right…maybe if we use a more permanent spell." To anyone else that statement wouldn't have been significant, but to James it meant Remus was trying.

"Ok, maybe…" James trailed off. The others turned to see what had grabbed his attention so forcefully. It was a pretty brunette girl. One they all recognized. She had graduated last year. She was Sirius's cousin. Her name was Andromeda Black. She was James's first love.

Of course, Sirius didn't know this. Only Remus and Peter. James had sworn them to secrecy when they found out. This was the only thing he had ever kept from Sirius.

"Andy?" James had finally found his voice. She looked as wonderful as he remembered. This was bad.

"Jamie!" She ran to hug him, launching herself into his arms and wrapping her legs around his waist. This, of course, was the moment Lily decided to walk in. Even though they were still 'just friends', Lily was not happy to see some girl attached to James's mid section. She breathed deep. She would remain calm.

"Red! Um…you remember Sirius's cousin?"

That's why she looked familiar. Lily remembered her. She hung out with the Marauders until she graduated last year. She was pretty sure that James and Andromeda dated in his fifth year…but she couldn't really remember. She had hated him then.

"Sure, weren't you in Ravenclaw?"

"Yes. And you're dating Jamie, right. Toward the end of last year you two were quite the couple."  
Jamie? James hated that. But he didn't seem to mind when _she _called him Jamie.

She was jealous…she could admit it.

"So, my dear cousin, what are you doing here?"

"Birthday prank means birthday party. And I never miss a party."

The infamous Marauder birthday party. Their birthdays were all so close, that they had just one large party…one that usually went well into the next morning.

"Right…thought you might have forgotten."

Lily noticed how Andromeda's eyes never left James's face.

"How could I forget you guys?"

That's it...she and James had to have a talk. Now!


	18. Correction

He knew she was jealous.

She was glaring at Andy. She had been for at least a half hour. Maybe it was time for him to put her out for her misery.

Slipping his arm around her, he whispered.

"Let's go for a walk."

He led her outside and placed his hand on her waist.

"You used to date her." She couldn't look at him when she said it.

"Yeah, when I was 15." He tried to get her to get her to look at him, he wanted to know what she was thinking.

"Oh."

"I thought you just wanted to be just friends."

"I don't know what I want. But I hate her and I don't want you to be with her. Or anyone. Anyone that's not me."

She hated that a tear was falling down her cheek, and she hated that he saw it. Because she knew he saw it. He saw everything.

"I'm not with her. She's engaged. I don't want to be with her. Not when you're so close. But I can't read your mind. Are we friends or more? I think you an di both need to know."

He was right. He was always right. It drove her mad. And was one of the reasons she needed him. Why she wanted to be his everything.

"I want you to be with me. Not her. Not anyone else."

"That's not really an answer, Red."

He was going to make her say it. Of course he was. When has he ever let her get away with anything. One more reason she wanted to be his only. He made her work.

"I want us to be together. Not friends. Not more than friends. I want you to be my boyfriend."

"Well it's about time." He smiled and kissed her. Hard and passionately. The way she always wanted to be kissed. Forever and by him.


	19. Fraternity

He lit the cigarette, the only light in the darkness.

He had to be careful, if James found him smoking, he wouldget holy hell.

But he needed it.

At least tonight.

Tonight he had officially lost his little brother.

Tonight he saw there really no hope left for his family. Tonight they were no longer his at all. Luckily he had a family here. Well, kind of. Things still weren't the same between the four of them…and it was completely his fault.

He was going to make it better, though.

He had to…especially now.

Now he needed them. And he was going to prove they could trust him.

This was the new Sirius.

The serious Sirius.

Ok, maybe not completely different…he was still going to break some rules.

And snog girls.

But there would be some changes.

"James is going to kill you." He hadn't heard Remus sneak up behind him.

"Not if he doesn't know."

"He'll smell it on you."

"Maybe." He looked at Remus.

"Are you going to stare at me or give me a drag?"

"You quit ages ago."

"So did you." Fair enough. He had quit. He had quit for James. And it had been easy. But tonight he just needed a smoke.

He handed the cigarette to his friend.

"I'm sorry."

"What did you do now?" Remus looked at him expectantly.

"No, I'm sorry I did this. This space between us. All of us. Between you and me, me and James…you and James. I know you think I don't take anything seriously…but I do. I take us seriously. And now you blokes are all I have that even could be construed as family. And it's my fault we aren't like we used to be."

"I told you that I forgave you."

"Because of James. You did it for James. But I know you didn't mean it. It's been months and you can still hardly stand to be alone with me."

"It hurt to be betrayed like that. Really hurt. In fact I don't think I've been that scared since first year when you all found out. And I did forgive you because of James. But for you too. And me. I don't want to hate you. I want it to be the way it was before too. But I don't know if it's possible. Even though I forgive you. We are all different now."

"I know. We've changed, but I want us to be able to be brothers again."

"Well, that's the thing Sirius. No matter how much we change or how old we get or how bad you screw up…we're always brothers. Nothing will change that. Ever."

"Good, cause I love you guys." He offered the last drag to Remus and left to shower before James could smell the smoke on him.


	20. Mourning

He stared at the wise old wizard, trying to comprehend what he was just told.

Dumbledore had to be wrong…but Dumbledore was never wrong.

"Thank you for telling me, sir." His voice sounded hollow. Was that really his voice? He barely recognized it.

"James, this is a difficult time for you. If you need to discuss anything, I am here for you." Dumbledore responded, worry evident in his voice.

Worried about him.

"I'm tired, professor, I think I'll go to bed now."

He walked slowly to the tower and when he reached his bed, he looked at it in surprise.

He didn't remember how he got there. Everything seemed so surreal at the moment.

It was only late afternoon, so the dormitory was empty. Good, he didn't want to see anybody…they would know something was different. They wouldn't leave him alone until he told them what it was.

And saying it out loud…that might make it real.

It couldn't be real.

"Tiger, have you seen James?"

He sounded so…scared.

"No, I haven't seen him all day. Is something wrong?" She had never in her life seen Sirius Black like this. He was worried and scared and, well, serious. It made her breath catch and anxiety began to set in. What could have happened to make him like this?

"I shouldn't tell you this, but if you find James before I do you'll probably need to know. His parents, Lily…they, um…they're…ah…this is so hard…Lily, they're gone."

She looked at him, and saw the sadness on his face. As if he lost his parents, too.

"Gone…"She repeated, not sure what to do. James' parents were dead? How could that be? Things like this don't happen to people like him.

Nothing bad happened to him…he was James Potter.

Golden Boy of the school.

And then she saw something she never thought she would…Sirius was crying.

"Are you ok?"

"No." And Sirius left, going up stairs to the room, hoping James was there and not doing something incredibly stupid.

He was there…sitting on his bed…staring at a picture on his night stand.

A photo of his family.

"You know?"

"Dumbledore told me, he thought I should know, too."

"Yeah."

"I'm going with you. To get everything in order and to the funeral. I want to be there, too. And you shouldn't be alone."

"Sure."

Sirius was getting more worried by these one word responses. James wasn't showing any emotion.

That could be dangerous.

"I'm going to bed now, Sirius. See you in the morning."

"James…"

"Good night Sirius."

And that was that. James pulled his curtains, cutting himself off from the real world…it only for a little bit.

"Sirius went downstairs, but first, he grabbed the quart of firewhiskey from under his bed.

He was going to need it tonight.


	21. Anguish

They found him in the den, sitting in front of the coffee table.

Since coming home, he seemed to get worse.

Quieter.

He stared at the picture in front of him, and the others watched silently.

He sat unmoving…unblinking.

As if the pain had immobilized him.

Never in his life had Sirius seen him like this.

Never had Sirius not known what to say to him.

Never had James been this quiet.

Suddenly, without warning he moved.

HE stood up and hurled the photo across the room, against the wall.

And then he was not silent anymore.

He screamed.

For a long time he just yelled.

Then Sirius went to him.

Held him up when he was about to collapse.

That's what family did.

And now…he was all James had.

They were all any of them had.


	22. Spiraling

The questions never stopped anymore.

They flowed as loose as the fire whiskey he was pouring into a glass.

Christmas was fast approaching. Would he go home? What would be the reason? There was no one waiting for him there anymore. What kind of holiday would this be?

He drank deeply from his glass, wincing a little as the acidic taste hit his tongue.

He had stolen the whiskey from underneath Sirius's bed.

He did think Sirius would mind…he practically had a bar under there.

The snow was falling outside, he used to love this time of year. He used to dance outside when it snowed with his mother. He used to sing carols.

He used to trim the tree. He used to buy presents and hang mistletoe. He used to charm this mistletoe to follow Lily around until she gave up and finally kissed him.

He used to love Christmas, he thought and took another swig of his fire whisky.

His glass was almost empty and he filled it up quickly.

How was he going to survive the holidays?

Would it hurt when there would be no presents from his parents?

Would he feel anything?

He hoped not.

He used to laugh and smile and cry.

He drained his glass and watched the snow fall.

And he felt nothing.


	23. Rescue

Worried was an understatement. They had passed concerned weeks ago.

Now they were terrified.

They had expected him to be upset. They were prepared for his sorrow and pain. They knew it would not be something he would ever fully recover from.

But this new, emotionless James…they had not anticipated.

He reeked of liquor. He barely ever spoke. There were no more pranks…no more laughter…no more Marauders.

They had to save him.

Sirius had thrown out his liquor. He knew that was where James was getting from.

He avoided them. He avoided her.

He canceled practices. He hadn't flown since…well, since before…

They needed to find a way to save him from himself.

They just didn't know how.

Sirius decided to force James. He refused to let James blow them off anymore. He refused to have a conversation remain onesided.

He was not going to lose James, too.

James was his brother…James was his family.

James had saved him so many times…

Now he was returning the favor.

And slowly…it worked.


End file.
